The Beaufort Diaries by T Cooper

Author:T Cooper [Cooper, T]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-1-935554-76-9
Publisher: Melville House
Published: 2010-10-27T04:00:00+00:00

XV

ANOTHER IRAQ WAR FILM? WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?

WHERE’S THE LABEOUF? SHIA FIZZLES AS LABEAR

BEAR NOT A BULL AT THE BOX OFFICE

MISSION NOT ACCOMPLISHED: BEAUFORT A NO-FORT

WHY DOESN’T AMERICA WANT TO WATCH IRAQ WAR FILMS?

I guess critics don’t know a metaphor when they see one.

And Shia LaBeouf was in fact the perfect choice for the main character of Bear, the 18-year-old enlisted Marine from Alaska who gets called out by his bunkmates when they discover he secretly sleeps with a stuffed bear that he also totes in his pack throughout their deployment. That little bear ends up saving most of the platoon members’ lives, but whatever—

We didn’t even open in the top ten that first weekend, and after that, my agents stopped returning my calls. There was nothing we could do but ride it out and assess the damage later, they assured me; the studio had already jumped ship and was on to their next great white hope anyway. Leo was no help from where he was on location in Africa, and Svava hadn’t returned a phone call, text, or email from me since the night of the premiere, when there had still been so much optimism surrounding the film.

So I had no idea what to do with myself besides sit anonymously in the back of theaters all over L.A. and try to gauge audience reactions on a case-by-case basis. It was so depressing: most of the screens were running at 50% or less, and it was obvious the movie would be pulled from theaters as soon as our initial contracts ran out. I wept the first time I watched people walk out in the middle of a show.

After seeing the thing three times at three different theaters in the Valley one particularly pathetic night, I drove by Svava’s condo and parked outside, sinking low in my seat and surveying her front door for hours. At about two in the morning a black Mercedes with tinted windows rolled up, and sure enough she stepped out of it, offering a limp hand to my producer, who then accompanied her inside after glancing quickly over each shoulder.

Couldn’t imagine wanting anything else but me, huh? Hell, I didn’t blame her; I’ve seen Tod Browning’s Freaks.

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